Breaking Habit for Happiness

Muika couldn't have been asleep for more than an hour and a half or so before she woke up, her breathing shaky as she lay staring at the wall, her eyes wide. It'd been a nightmare...first one in awhile...

She curled into herself, as she'd been left a bit shaken by it before she realized she might have disturbed Iyuki. Taking another breath, though overall failing to really calm herself she sat up and glanced over at him. He was still sound asleep on his bedding pad or whatever the proper name for it was. That was good...she hadn't woken him.

It couldn't be over two in the morning at this time, or so she figured. She didn't really have a way of knowing that.

Hugging her knees to her she glanced over at Iyuki again before looking down and then back at him. She didn't want to disturb him...not with something like this...it was stupid...

Or so she told herself...

After much debate, she slipped from her bed; walking over to the end of Iyuki's where his feet were. She...She could apologize later...yeah...later...

Thinking that, she moved to sit down and eventually lay down; about halfway on his bedding and half on the floor as she brought herself to lie at his knees. It was close enough, at least like this she didn't feel isolated or alone...

It was ridiculous, she thought, but whenever she got scared...there was a part of her that sought comfort. Usually the side that feared it overruled it but this time...

It wasn't much longer until she finally dozed off and eventually fell back asleep.

A dreamless sleep was slowly but surely interrupted by the unusual heat on the young human's leg. It was too warm, his legs were starting to burn up, and his body didn't like that one bit. So it tried to move from under the blanket only to find that the heat had a weight source. His awakeness state moved from barely to half and he shifted as his eyes opened.

It was dark but with the little bit of light from the moon he could make out a dark shape on his leg that was... Iyuki squinted, not believing his eyes. His glance to the bed showed the truth, empty. Sitting up, Iyuki was a bit perplexed. What... had caused this? He had no idea the time, but she had been laying there long enough to sleep again. One hand reached out and touched her head gently as he spoke, now almost fully awake, his voice husky from sleep though. "Muika? Muika what... what are you doing that can not be comfortable for you."

At the feel of something touching her head and what sounded like a voice, she stirred; her hand clenching the fabric slightly as she awoke, taking a few moments before she realized with a start why she'd woken up.

Sitting up, her hands moved to sit in front of her as she glanced down; some of her earlier panic returning. Why couldn't she just explain it? He wasn't freaking out but...but that could be just because he was tired. She woke him up...She was being bothersome...

"S-Sorry...I know...I know I shouldn't of just...Sorry...I-I didn't want to wake you...and I just...just had a...nightmare and...and..."

No...She was already bothering him enough with what she'd done. There was no need to bother him with her nightmare either...

Anymore freak outs on her end like this and she'd just push him away...

Iyuki rubbed his eyes, looking drowsy as he yawned and listened to her. He wasn't someone who woke up fast enough for complex thought processes, and he had no idea why Muika seemed so upset as she sat. If he was more awake he would probably be freaking out by now but instead, as he heard her worried speak a sleepy smile appeared on his face.

Hold out his arms, his button up pajamas riding up slightly, his eyes half closed as his voice also continued their sleepy trend. He remember the solution to nightmares were hugs and talking about it, so that is what he intended to do. Yes. Sleepy Iyuki was never wrong."Nightmares are scary... come here... What was it about?"

She hesitated for a moment, just glancing up at him with widened eyes. He was too asleep for this...It'd just be a bother. If she went into talking about it she'd just...

Still, she did scoot closer; moving over until she felt her head hit his chest. She was shaking lightly, one of her hands going up to lightly grasp his top. Despite how shaken she was, she still felt her face heat up; but her thoughts and nightmare still plagued her more than anything at the moment and Iyuki was warm...she could feel that comfort she'd been longing for when she'd first woken up.

"I...It's nothing something listen to when your tired...It'll just wake you up...It's still really early...S-Sorry...I woke you...but..but..."

She leaned back, just enough to look him in the eye before averting her eyes; sitting there for a few more moments before she  finally started talking.

"Just..." Unintentionally, her hand had reached out to grasp the end of his sleeve in a rather shaky and timid movement as she tried to urge herself to speak. "This...This isn't some...some drug-induced dream, right? I'm not just...just gonna wake up back...back there, right?"

She couldn't bare to look Iyuki in the eyes right now, preferring to keep her head down and eyes clamped shut.

"I don't wanna go back...I hate it...I hate the needles that made me feel weird, I hate the awful punishments because I disobeyed, I hate...I hate being hated for just existing...hated being told that I was a monster, that I should just disappear, that I should just die...

No matter where I was...It wasn't any different..."

Unconsciously, she picked up his hand and moved it to her head; her hands on his wrist and arm holding it in place, clinging to the fabric of his sleeve as she leaned into the touch.

"Whenever I cried, whenever I got upset, it just made others happy...they felt joy at making the freak cry...

And just...just when I started thinking that despite all of that, even if things weren't great...at least I could have some happiness, that there was at least one person that cared...But I was wrong...I was just a toy, just a plaything...

The hand I'd reached out for...just came back to bite me...

I hated being alone, I hated it more than anything...I'm just scared...scared...

All of this...it's not fake right? You don't hate me...right...?" She was scared to ask, the shakiness in her words just made it that much more obvious.

Her hands on his arm had moved from grasping to a small embrace around it, not enough to hurt him, but it was secure.

This past while, after meeting and spending time with Iyuki, she'd felt...human. Whenever she'd opened up, even cried, it didn't make him happy like everyone else...when she'd cried...

He'd been upset.

Then...Then in the forest he'd even...he'd even kissed her.

"This..." Finally, she glanced up at him, forcing herself to look him in the eyes; her own reflecting all the fear, pain, and worry she'd had building up for so long. "This hand's not gonna bite me...right?"

Even if it was just one person, just one out of the billions out there that didn't hate her...she felt like she could be alright, completely satisfied.

Iyuki's eyes had drifted closed while she came over, opening again with a sudden blink as her head hit his chest. She was really upset, even sleepy Iyuki could see that. But it seemed that... his touch was comfort to her?

Still, it was best to just get all of the talking out. So as she apologized he merely smiled softly. There wasn't a need. But he let her continue without saying anything. As she continued, whatever sleepiness in his demeanor or face disappeared. That... kind of nightmare? What...what could he do... what could he do to reassure her? In his mild panic over this, he could only listen in horror as the pain of years came tumbling out of Muika's mouth. His hand, acting outside of his conscious will, gently teased her hair as she leaned against his hand. He had no idea what to do with his other hand, what to do with his body. He wanted to pull her into a hug and reassure her but... empty words...

As she looked up at him, the parts of him always telling him he was third best, second rate... it all came to the forefront. How...How could he help her?! He was the useless child... What could he say... He had to say something, so why not the truth. He could deal with the parts that upset him later, right now SHE needed him to speak. And so speak he did.

"I don't hate you. I don't hate you in the least. I am glad you exist Muika, you are my precious friend." His voice was soft but quickly gaining strength, he was obviously upset over her words... but not because they hurt him how she would think. Because he couldn't bear that she had been in that pain. His eyes shined with tears as he spoke, more feeling coming into his voice with every word. "This is NOT a dream fed to you by those... those awful monsters. I am Iyuki..."

"I can't lie and say we will never hurt each other... being friends and more...sometimes you get hurt even when you care but... It will never be like that. It will never be out of hate or wanting to hurt you!" Iyuki's hand kept playing with her hair and he gulped back a sob. He didn't know what to do! His free hand reached out for her, searchingly. Should he hug her? Instead he settled for placing it on her shoulder. His voice returned to being soft as his tears finally fell. "As long as I am here...you won't be alone. And I am going to punch that...that... mean bastard. Really hard. I swear it. I'll kick him too."

"I...Iyuki." She couldn't really get much out without nearly crying herself.

Without much warning she let go of his arm, leaning forward again and leaning on him like she had a few moment earlier; her hands grasping the fabric of his top as she tried to keep herself from crying, though a few tears had already fallen.

"I know...I know I don't really say or...or express things clearly, or sometimes I can seem mean...but...I-I really have been happy...really happy...I-I'm scared though...I don't...I keep...keep to myself all the time because...every time...every time I start talking about my problems I just think..just think I'm doing nothing but pushing you away...and I don't...I don't want that. I really don't want that...b-because I like you, I like you being around...I like that you talk to me...I like that you show me things...I don't want to push you away...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...Sorry..."

She knew it wasn't exactly the best follow up to his words but...but it was something she wanted him to know. Even if it was hard for her to say, she felt like it was something she needed to no matter what. She just needed to...

Iyuki knew what to do now, her actions showing him exactly what he needed to do. it helped that it was what he wanted as well. She wanted comfort, so he wrapped his arms around her and laid his head on her head. Her hair tickled his nose lightly, but the young man ignored that and nuzzled her head instead of pulling away.

"I haven't felt pushed away at all... It is nice to hear those happy words though. I am pleased I have made you so happy, so do not apologize. I'll keep showing you things and being around you, until you can speak and smile as much as you want to. I'll stay past then as well, it you desire." He sighed. "You are not mean in the least. You are kind and gentle, even if you try to hide it Muika. You haven't broken at all... even with all the things that hurt you. It is amazing."

All she could do in response was keep her hold on him and lean in closer, taking in the comfort he was offering. She nuzzled her head into his chest as she tried to calm herself, to stop crying. She just stayed there, letting him hold her.

She was quiet for awhile and eventually her tears stopped much to her relief. She remained where she was though, trying to will herself to say something to break the silence. It wasn't awkward silence, she just...wanted to say something.

"T..Thank you...Iyuki." She replied, her voice coming out muffled though by his shirt.

Iyuki tried to offer as much comfort as he could, which he hoped would be enough as he held her close. She seemed to feel better from such actions, so it must be working somewhat. He really truly hoped so at least... He has said things he had no idea about, hoping they helped. It was what he felt and thought but it was possible it only just made her feel a bit worse.

Fighting himself in his head, the young man let none of that show or out. Her next words though eased his heart and he sighed, a bit more relieved than he should be. "You are welcome I...think. Are you feeling a bit better now?"

He had helped! He hadn't failed her.

"Mm." She gave a nod against him, not moving otherwise. "Yeah..."

Honestly, he had helped. She'd woken up scared and doubtful, but he'd eased those worries. He'd comforted her and told her the truth. Most importantly, she'd believed him. She'd believed him without question...

If she weren't still getting over everything, she'd probably be surprised at that realization.

"That is good to hear..." Iyuki's words trailed off as he continued to hold Muika. She was still quite firmly attached to him and his shirt, and while it was pleasant... it might be bad for them both to continue like this. They both needed sleep and since she was calm... it'd be best for her to return to her bed if she could.

"Muika? You...still have a hold of me. Should I comfort you more? Or..." The young man knew if she stayed pressed to him too long she would end up falling asleep with him again...

"R-right...uhm..." She pulled away from him when he finished speaking, though she wasn't really sure what to do after. If she kept holding onto him like that she'd likely fall back asleep but...if she was that close it would be  bothersome but she also...didn't know if she'd be able to fall back asleep in her own bed.

Her eyes were down as she tried to think. Maybe...go back down to his feet? No, that'd been what'd woken him up in the first place. She remained quiet for a moment before an idea came to her. She brought herself to stand, taking a few steps towards her bed but only to grab the blanket and wrap it around her before moving over towards the floor next to Iyuki's bedding, but not on it.

She laid herself down, the blanket providing a softness between her and the floor as she averted her eyes; moving her arm outward towards Iyuki, her hand a small distance away from his pillow. "I...I know it's a bit-bit bothersome but...it's better than...mm..." She was a bit embarrassed to be acting like this but...she knew he wouldn't be happy if she didn't get any sleep but he also needed sleep as well. If she wasn't close to him but just this...then maybe it would be...okay?

"It...It's fine if you let go later I just...think it would help...and since I'm not that close you should still...still be able to sleep. Sorry...about all this." She added, hiding the lower half of her face with the blanket.

Muika stood and moved to the bed, while Iyuki gave a small frown. Now that she was away...he missed her warmth a bit. It was such a silly thought, one he had to push away as Muika came almost immediately back. His face looked shocked, though he quickly mastered that and sighed. Moving from his thick futon, he went to one of the corners where he kept his items and pulled out a wrapped up sleeping bag. It was for emergencies mostly.

However it wouldn't do for Muika to sleep on the floor like that...besides her blanket would get dirty. A small smile was on his face as he set the sleeping bag out and unrolled it next to his mattress. Pulling his blankets and pillow over to it, he patted the now empty futon. "You sleep on this. It is no bother at all Muika... I'll hold your hand as long as I am able, I can not promise my sleep will let me if I do move though."

She was too adorably cute though he usual freaking out responses were dulled by a mix of sleepy and worry. He seemed more calm than usual due to this. He moved to make himself comfortable on the thick sleeping bag, his hand held out where her head would be if she laid on the futon. "If you sleep on the futon I'll play with your hair."

When he moved her eyes followed him to see what he was doing, having to roll over on her stomach to keep her eyes on him as he went and pulled out a sleeping bag. He moved it next to his mattress, moving his blankets and stuff to it before patting it.

She didn't move immediately, waiting until he finished explaining until she eventually gave a small nod; her face tinting red a bit when he mentioned playing with her hair.

"'K...Kay."

Muika moved over to it, as asked and lied down; her hand moving to grasp the one he'd held out to her as she curled up.

"Mm, it's okay...if you let go eventually." She knew he wouldn't be able to control his movements in his sleep, which is why she understood if he let go. Just as long as he did this for a little while, it'd help... "Th...Thank you."

As Muika grabbed his hand, laying on the futon as asked, Iyuki gave her a soft smile as his other reached out to caress her hair. They were so close and yet... it was enough distance to allow him to feel better. "Welcome Muika."

He gave her hand a comforting squeeze, a rather new smile on his face as he watched hers carefully. She...was cute. He allowed himself that thought and the feelings that went with it. He could think these things, she was... what was she to him? They had kissed. But what....what did that mean? She trusted him, he trusted her.

"What...do we do now? With...ourselves." Iyuki mumbled slightly as his foggy brain tried to process this information and use it correctly.

At his question, Muika glanced over at him; looking him in the eyes before moving her attention to their hands. She was...confused her self. They'd kissed...and their actions before that even...even if they'd gotten embarrassed and flustered...or well, the whole being flustered thing was a point in this case...

She squeezed his hand back lightly in return, a bit nervous about this subject...but she didn't want to run from it either. It needed to be talked about.

"I...I don't know...W-We kissed." She replied, trying to...be helpful in this discussion. "We both...liked it...so..."

Muika's glance was worth a thousand words and his eyes followed her to their hands as well. It was a safe thing to look at. They lay there together, like this and and it followed that she would say such things. She was the braver of the two, while he wished to run and hide, though that would be behind his Butler facade.

It was the first time he was admitting to himself it had been a facade for a while now. Iyuki felt a bit better at this thought, a loosening of control he didn't need. His reply seemed lacking the moment he spoke, stuttering a rather garbled reply. "Would...you want to keep doing it then? Together...with me... for a while?"

She felt her cheeks tinting some at his response along with the feeling of her heartbeat quickening a bit. Muika managed a nod, not taking a short moment to respond. "Mm...y-...yeah...if you...want to too that is."

Back when they'd kissed...she'd told him to stop holding back and...and she'd meant it. She didn't really know much about the whole...romance thing but then again it seemed he didn't really either, experience-wise anyway; their kiss back there being both of their firsts and all....

"I...see...That is good." Iyuki let out a relieved smile, his eyes closing as he breathed out his relief. He felt warm inside, it was like a second heart appeared inside of his body. If it wasn't so late and he wasn't so entirely comfortable and sleepy, he would kiss her again right now.

"I would be happy...if you...could be...with me...as...a g-g-gi-rl...." He choked and couldn't finish that, despite his attempt and sleepy state.

Her hand squeezed his again and despite the fact she was tired and sleepy she could feel the heat in her face at full force as she gave another nod; her body curling up a bit more. She'd leaned closer to his hand without really noticing, but she could feel the back of his hand lightly against her face; her eyes or well, one of them anyway, was hidden by their hands and how her blanket was situated on her it almost looked like she was peeking out from behind his hand when she pushed herself to make eye contact with him again.

"Mm, I...I-I will."

She understood! Iyuki's flustered state wasn't for nothing. His grin was so bright he felt his face would break in half, as he stared at her cute position for a few moments longer. He would get some sort of cute sickness from this young woman... he really knew it.

His free hand that played with her hair moved down to her cheek, caressing it softly. "...Thank you..."

"W-Welcome..."

Was that the right response? Should she have said thank you too? She felt a bit silly wondering about that but she'd relaxed some at his touch. So...they were...

It wasn't a situation she'd ever imagined herself being in, but she was...happy. It felt nice and she was happy. She managed a small smile, resisting the urge to hide it like she'd usually done before making that promise to smile more.

Muika's smile was a wonderful thing to fall asleep too, Iyuki figured as he yawned. His blue eyes kept closing, the hand playing with her hair stopping and starting in time with his eyes closing as he tried to stay awake.

"'Night Mui..." He yawned one more time before drifting off, just barely making it to say goodnight.

She had to bite back a small laugh, he'd fallen asleep in the middle of a 'goodnight.' Despite being thoroughly tired herself even she couldn't help but find it amusing.

"N-Night...Iyuki." She'd spoken in a whisper, bringing their hands closer to her again as she shut her eyes. It wasn't long before she drifted off herself, finally finding herself in a comfortable slumber.


It was unintentional but Muika had a habit...A bad one in her opinion if she were to fully realize it. On the train the previous night she'd acted the same...Moving closer to the source of warmth in her sleep. In this case, Iyuki who she was now snuggled against, her hands having found their way back to grasping the front of his shirt, as she continued sleeping,