Mistakes and Memories

"Memories...?" She questioned.

Did she have the right to? Iyuki had said she did but...

She constantly had to remind herself she wasn't a good person, her purpose was to kill and that was that but...in the back of her mind she knew that wasn't what she wanted...While yes, she wanted revenge she did want a normal life too...but killer's couldn't have both. She'd killed before, albeit she had no choice but that didn't change the fact she'd killed...She was long past having a normal life, right?

She'd thought so before anyway, she'd condemned herself to secluded life of solitude in order to sharpen her claws; thinking she couldn't live any other way. Then Iyuki and Yamato had shown up and she'd...she'd...not hated their presences. She hadn't hated being around others. She'd always wanted to become closer to others, but had always told herself after she couldn't. It wasn't only just the trust issues, she'd simply condemned herself to loneliness. She feared being betrayed again but wanted to move past that...she wanted to move past it more than anything.

This was what she wanted.

Giving a small breath the hand between her and Iyuki unconsciously moved to grip the fabric of his shirt between her thumb and index finger.

"Y...Yeah."

Iyuki felt like he had pushed the poor young woman a bit too much, he had only wanted to convey comfort with his touch and had worried it would bother her. Even... if he wasn't allowed to call her Lady anymore, he would still be her butler. He would comfort her and hope she felt a bit better inside, even if things were awful for her before. If he could help replace some of the awful with good, Iyuki would be happy that his time spent here helping her was worth it.

She had said yeah, and now had a hold of his vest. He supposed that was all he could get out of her in acknowledgement for now. his voice was soothing and low, trying to not startle her as he moved his arm from around her shoulders. "It would be easier if you held my arm or hand, Muika, if you wished while we walked. We should head to the train station, the train should be coming soon."

"R-Right." She said, shaking away her previous thoughts as she let go of Iyuki's sweater to his what was first his wrist in a miscalculation but then his hand; seeing it'd be much easier to keep a hold of than his arm, especially with how hectic trains could get when crowded.

She debated whether or not she should tell him her thoughts, thinking perhaps it would lead to a better understanding of her if she did so. Now wasn't exactly the time though, then again, when was? She felt they'd weigh on her mind most of the time which might hinder the 'fun' he had planned but telling him after might just ruin anything the day may bring...She wasn't sure...

"I...Iyuki...can I talk with you later? Somewhere private. Before or after the amusement park, which ever you think is better."

Iyuki had suggested it more as a joke, but it seemed like Muika was...taking him seriously. His faced tinged red as he pushed it down as Muika touched his bare wrist and then grabbed his hand. He had never held a girl's hand in public, so even if this was his Lady's hand... And even if he wasn't allowed to think of her as a Lady anymore... He still felt a bit awkward. He coughed and looked away as they started to move from the bike.

Her request was odd and seemed a bit off, but Iyuki nodded and spoke softly. "We can do this before, if it is important. I shall find us somewhere to speak then."

It was a parking garage but it wasn't the most private. Anyone could see or hear what they said. As they exited the place, the streets were rather empty. A small dark alleyway was nearby, and with no one in sight he ducked into it, leading Muika on until it was far enough out of earshot and sight. "What is bothering you? Is something wrong?"

She'd thought they'd catch the train first personally, but she supposed the sooner the better.

"It's...about what I was saying earlier...and my thoughts on it." She started, hesitating a bit.

She could stop now and just shrug it off, but Iyuki had taken the time to find somewhere for her to talk and him to listen...to turn back now would be wrong especially since she'd already convinced herself to talk.

"I'm not a good person." She started, "and yet..."

She stopped, wondering if that was even the right place to start. Shaking her head slightly she started again.

"I've said this before but I've sworn my life to revenge...to take another's life because they wronged me. That makes me a bad person. I've killed before, I've been killing since I was a child. It may not have been my choice, I may not have wanted to, but I still did it just to save my own skin. I'm still a killer. When I escaped, when I finally managed to escape the thoughts of a normal life crossed my mind, I wanted it...I never really had it to begin with, so I wanted it...and I wanted it so bad."

She took a shaky breath, "but because of the things I've done, what I plan on doing...I don't deserve it. Killers don't get happy endings. I don't deserve one...and I'd told myself that. So I dedicated my time to getting stronger, learning to kill more swiftly and accurately with my shots. I set aside any hope of having anything remotely appearing like a normal life for myself, I abandoned being happy, making friends...no matter how much I wanted it because it's something I shouldn't rightfully have..."

"Then...then you and Yamato came along...and I didn't hate it. I didn't hate it even a bit. While yes, I have trust issues because of what happened to me, that's not the only reason I'm so distant. Even though I haven't hated it...I don't deserve it. I hate that I don't deserve it because I want it so much...but..."

"I want to be able to be happy, I want to laugh, I want to keep living like this...but..I'm a...I'm a bad person but why...Huh?" She felt something unfamiliar on her face. "Why am I crying?"

Iyuki nodded and let Muika speak. She may have told Yamato and him her past, but she hadn't said too much about her actual feelings on this. Oh what she was doing and what she planned... She had still been withdrawn, hiding behind things. But this? He had never expected this. His hands clenched and he looked down. It might be the first time Iyuki actually looked angry, his body shaking slightly as he drew his emotions close again. He calmed enough to look at Muika, but his eyes had unshed tears and he looked like he'd either cry or scream as he opened his mouth to speak. It took a few tries as he couldn't seem to start.

"Damn it. Muika... You should have those if you want! You should have friends and happiness and anything you want! Your quest for revenge... I don't understand it, but thats because I've never been hurt like that. I've never wanted pain on others, but now I do. I want them all to... go jump in shark infested pools." His voice was hoarse, not raised too much more above normal but he was obviously very worked up.

"I'll stay by your side as your friend. I'll make sure you can experience happiness and show you it is okay to. Even if you get your revenge, I'll stay and stay and stay and help you make more happy memories. Today will be happy, because you deserve this happiness. You are a kind person and what has happened to you hasn't broken that and I wish you could see yourself through my eyes! You are strong, and kind and so admirable... Muika, its okay to cry for yourself. For things you want... to be selfish and want to be happy." Reaching to wipe a tear away, he pulled back and reached into a pocket. He pulled out a handkerchief and blotted one of her cheeks. "You aren't bad. You've had bad things happen to you, not of your fault...but they can't make you bad."

He... was acting oddly different. Maybe a bit more open than usual?

It seemed his words only made the tears keep falling, but not because they made her feel bad; as she still didn't understand why she was even crying in the first place.

Was it okay for her to be selfish? Was it okay for her to have those things she wanted if she wanted? He was telling her it was, that it wasn't her fault, and again giving her compliments she didn't feel really suited her. Even after all she'd said he was still saying these things, saying she deserved what she'd spent so long telling herself she didn't, saying she wasn't bad, saying he'd stay, saying he'd stay and be sure she was happy...

She jumped slightly when she felt him wiping her face before continuing to do so with a handkerchief. Her eyes held confusion, fear...a mixture of those things.

She wasn't bad? "I'm not....bad?"

Iyuki felt angry that they had hurt such a kind person like this. It... was unfair what happened to her, and he was so lucky... He just wanted to do SOMETHING to help. And he was doing all he could... he was so helpless though. The young man wasn't a fighter, he was someone who supported others. But right now he wished for a bit more strength so he could protect his friend.

He kept wiping away tears, not sure if he should stop since she kept crying. He smiled gently down at Muika and nodded. "You aren't bad."

Muika's hands clenched into fists, trying to keep herself from showing on her face how much impact his words were having. She wasn't sure if she could completely believe in his words just yet, but to her...the fact that she felt something that wasn't just straight denial meant a lot.

Swallowing a breath she tried to will herself to stop crying, eventually after a little while the tears stopped; whether they ran out or whether she'd actually managed to stop she wasn't sure.

"....Thank you, Iyuki."

Words of gratitude were still rather strange on her tongue, but she felt this was the time for them.

"Welcome." Iyuki kept trying to dry her tears, looking rather lost as he spoke, since he hadn't heard much in the form of thanks or anything from her before. She hadn't taken the handkerchief from him, he had no idea what he was even doing. She seemed to feel better, which was all he wanted at all, but he just had no idea what to do now. He knew how she felt, made her feel better...

Maybe just heading out for the park would be nice? "Whenever you feel ready, we can make it to the station and head to the park. However, we will not until you feel up to it. I promised to help you make happy memories. Not uncomfortable ones."

"We can...go now." They needed to catch a train, and she would be alright. There was no point in standing around in an alleyway anymore. Using the back of her sleeve to wipe her face, feeling the need to despite Iyuki having done that with the handkerchief, she took a breath in order to calm any other unnecessary emotions.

Nodding, Iyuki held out his hand for Muika to take again if she wanted and then continued out of the alley. No one gave them any looks and they made it to the train station without hassle, even making it within enough time to catch the next train to the area near the park. Iyuki watched out the windows as the scenery passed him by, wondering if she'd like what was there... Did she even like roller coasters? They had tons of other smaller rides, like ferris wheels and such but...those were generally more romantic than anything. The food was always sinfully delicious though. Maybe she'd prefer that?

He was a bit worried now... Could he live up to his promises?

Muika took his offered hand before Iyuki led them towards the station and onto the train. She hadn't been on one very many times, and still wasn't completely used to riding them, but so far there weren't any problems. She kept her free hand up in front of her mouth, preferring it over justh having it hang limply, her sleeve's length covering her hand and the lower half of her face.

Iyuki turned to watch Muika a bit, still not used to hearing her name in his head like this. Or even saying it... He wanted to keep the Lady as a form of distance between them, but she wouldn't allow it... and she was the Lady? So he had to.

Her hand was up above her mouth and it was rather... cute. Iyuki blushed and looked away. He wondered if it was a worried movement or not. People kept giving them looks, the cute man and adorable girl alone and holding hands and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. It really wasn't a date... He had to keep telling himself he hadn't accidentally done this inappropriate action towards his master.

A tone rang and a voice came over the train car. Their stop was the next one and Iyuki squeezed Muika's hand as she leaned over. "Our stop is that one, when I stand up you can too and we'll get ready to get off."

Muika didn't notice the looks given, as she hadn't been looking around and instead choosing to keep her eyes directed at the floor, so at most all she noticed was the shoes of which people wore. If she were to look up she felt she'd feel a bit self conscious, as she was probably still a bit red in the face; and she felt she was much more...aware of people around her now for some reason. Before, other people had been easy to ignore and she hardly paid them any mind, but for some reason she was much more conscious of them now...perhaps she felt the looks rather than saw them.

She'd been so caught up in her thoughts she was a bit surprised when Iyuki squeezed her hand and spoke.

"R-Right." She managed to get out, a bit embarrassed she'd not been paying attention.

Iyuki nodded and stood up as the train slowed down, slightly pulling Muika up to make sure she wasn't left behind. He'd hold her hand until they were safely through the crowds, even if the train itself wasn't packed. He didn't want to worry about her getting lost and panicking. It went to a stop and called out the stop name, as the doors opened. Iyuki gently led Muika from the train as they headed out of the station. The stop was rather busy, so he tried to take it slow. He hoped she didn't panic from the crowds and kept close. It probably wasn't a busy day, being during school hours as well as this early in the day. But the stop itself had other things going for it.

"It will be okay, once we are out it is a straight walk to the park. I'll be right here Muika."

It was a bit crowded when they were off the train, causing Muika to stick a bit closer to Iyuki than she had been. She didn't like crowds but not enough to start panicking outright but she did tend to close up into herself a bit when in them...which in this case she was doing now to Iyuki without really noticing.

Sometimes she figured if she had her hood up and sunglasses on that would somehow make her more invisible but she knew that was ridiculous...still it sometimes helped but this time the options weren't crossing her mind.

Iyuki was quickly turning more and more red. He had to get them out of here quickly and into another place before his face burst into flame at how close Muika was and how much she was pressing against his arm and body. Why did she have to hold his arm like that... Why would she do such a thing to her poor butler who just wanted to take her out to an amusement park to make her happier.

The train station ordeal completed quickly, and they were out of there after what felt like a day in a dungeon. Taking deep breaths of the open air and standing on a much less crowded street, he could hear screams from rides and pointed. "Look Muika, it is right over there."

Maybe... if she was distracted he could get her off.

Peeking up at Iyuki through her hair, he noticed he was a bit...or well, really, red in the face as they worked their way through the crowds. Why though? Was he embarrassed? Was he getting sick? Embarrassed seemed more likely to her, since he hadn't seemed sick today or any other day this past week...he had seemed perfectly healthy. Why was he embarrassed though?

Had she known the reason Muika likely would have turned red herself, but in her state of...not wanting to be in a crowd the reasoning escaped her. When they were finally in a less crowded area Iyuki gave a few deep breaths before he finally spoke.

Looking over she noticed the park, which she was quite surprised by...some of the things looked...a lot bigger than she'd expected them to look, like that giant wheel with things that looked like carts on them. She'd only seen these parks from afar so she hadn't expected them to be...well...huge so in a way she felt a bit intimidated even though she tried not to let it show.

'Damn it, Muika...you've faced and killed big monsters before...though...they weren't as big as these things...but, but these things aren't trying to kill things so...they're safer. Right?'

"That's...That's it?" It was obvious her eyes to what she was looking at, though Iyuki probably knew more about those things than she did...however they functioned or whatever.

Iyuki had not felt the pressure on his arm lessen. It stayed the same. He did not know what to do to get rid of it, so the young man continued to be red as he spoke. "Yes. Those are some of the bigger rides. Smaller ones dot the park as well as small shows and other things to make people happy."

Thinking about Muika's reaction, he continued moving. Stone, he was stone. "If they are intimidating, it would be best to start on smaller rides and see if you would like them... However even without rides, the whole place is filled with fun activities. Small games, food courts, stores... All sorts of things."

He tried to sound authoritative and knowledgeable on this subject, hopefully it would assuage her fear. And get her to stop holding him like this before he died, by throwing himself into traffic to end it.

Slowly, Muika's grip unconsciously loosened and as they neared the park. She eyed it curiously rather than fearfully while Iyuki explained about the other attractions. She tried to convince herself not to seem so intimidated by the bigger ones, as she'd thought before...she'd faced monsters and killed them...and while those monsters hadn't been as big they made an effort to attack; these rides however did not. So they were for the most part - safe.

She wasn't exactly familiar with most games but she did know of the kind that were meant to be enjoyed here. There were things like ring tosses, shooting games, lotteries, and the like. If anything, she could at least figure she'd be good at shooting games.

She felt a little bit shy, as much as she hated to admit it even to herself, about playing them though but she'd agreed she'd try to have fun and enjoy the day like Iyuki had wanted.

The smell of the food became more obvious as they came closer to the entrance. It smelled...good, much better than what she'd normally eaten before Iyuki came along anyway. She'd been trying a lot of new things lately and all of them had been a number of times more tasteful than the canned non-perishables she'd used to purchase. Perhaps the food here was as good as it smelled as well?

Iyuki let out his breath in one deep relieved sigh. Muika's grip was definitely looser than before, which was a relief in a few ways. It meant she felt a little less nervous, while also freeing his poor arm and body from the unbelievable unbearably embarrassing position and sight of Muika holding onto him.

Ladies shouldn't cling to him like this! Especially his master/lady. It was... bad. Definitely more cheerful, Iyuki had a small smile on his face as he led her across the street safely. However once they reached the edge of the road and were back on the sidewalk, the young man stopped short and turned pale.

Straight ahead, a large billboard right near the entrance to the park stood. It was an ad for some sort of attraction in the park, maybe a new food? However there was an oddly familiar man in it. If Iyuki was about ten years older and built a bit larger... That man would look just like him. Same hair color, same eyes... Same general facial shape. Though this man's face was playful and seemed to smile a lot, well what could be seen from the ad.

Getting over his momentary shock, Iyuki tried to block Muikas view of the ever looming billboard. Hopefully she wouldn't notice it. Some ladies hadn't and were pointing...

As they neared the park Muika noticed the occasional glance from others, mostly women. While not intimidated, it did make her feel a bit nervous. Did they stick out that much? Did she stick out too much? Perhaps it was her eyes...they were more red than violet in their mixed hue...some say red eyes were the eyes of a demon which was why she covered them with her blue sunglasses when in public. She'd left those though, back at the cabin...

She felt Iyuki shift his position as they walked, and she glanced up at him as he did so through her hair just in time to see a quick glance of a familiar looking face on a nearby billboard; causing Muika to stop in place get a clearer look, even if Iyuki was attempting to block the way.

She'd noticed it, there wasn't anymore hiding it if that was his true intention.

"...Iyuki?"

Iyuki was quickly thinking he would be home free when Muika looked up and stopped, staring up at the large man who he resembled. Covering his face a bit, the young man turned red as he heard his voice from Muika's lips. Oh no. Ooooh no.

"Can we go somewhere not next to the sign to talk about this?" Iyuki was looking around, now that they were standing still a few people were pulling out phones as if to take pictures or call. Some pointed at him and he ruffled his hair nervously. It wasn't more than two or three, but the longer they stood here the more they'd draw attention. It wasn't so obvious so far away... But that playful look and the glasses perched on the man's nose... He KNEW he had done that exact pair on purpose. "Please, take us somewhere before more..."

Muika didn't like the attention they were drawing anymore than Iyuki did.

Not even a second after Iyuki had finished speaking Muika took his hand and darted off, ignoring the any onlookers her sudden actions had attracted. She knew it probably hadn't been a good idea to just grab him and run but she had wanted to get away just as much as he had, or so she thought anyway.

She stopped in another alleyway, a bit smaller than the one they'd spoken in before but it was still away from people and private like he'd asked for.

Giving a couple of huffs to catch her breath, Muika glanced over to Iyuki.

"Sorry..."