Enclosed Spaces

Mia finally looked at Masaru fully, taking in the fact that he did look a bit better... It...it was good she had let him feed her, that worry was gone from his eyes.

As he smiled, she let out a soft weak sound as more of her worry barrier broke down, more shattering as he opened his arms for her to cuddle up. Mia's lower lip trembled, now that they were safe and he was fed there was nothing else standing between her fear from before. It...it was impossible to hold back anymore.

Diving for him softly, Mia wrapped her arms around him and clung to Masaru as she immediately snuggled him. The blanket didn't matter... nothing else mattered... He was right here and he was fine... She didn't need to cry damn it but tears were coming out...

Masaru's arms wrapped around Mia as she clung to him, leaning down enough to place a kiss on her head. She wasn't holding back as much now, she needed to get this out... He was alright now, he would be alright... He was out, he was home...he'd bathed, and had eaten and now he was resting...

"I'll be alright..." He'd already said so, but he wanted to reassure her further.

They could talk now, and Mia could get out all of her worry...

As Masaru kissed her head and wrapped his arms around her, she snuggled up closer to the man. Mia wanted utter comfort right now, needed it to get rid of this worry. Any physical touching and movements on his part helped her...

He'd be all right... No... Her voice came out weak and soft, unable to make it louder. "Don't...go away... Don't lose yourself... I couldn't bare it. I couldn't... N-Not to lose you like that... T-To yourself... I know your work is dangerous... Th-That..."

That would be awful but they were Shinigami, it was a potential worry and fact of life. But... But... No... "L-Losing you to those memories...a-and that pain... I-I couldn't forgive myself... or you... Or him..."

"D-Don't go places I can't follow Masa!" Mia choked out with a bit more feeling...

He continued to try to comfort her, holding her close as she let everything out bit by bit. Don't go where she couldn't follow... She couldn't handle seeing him like that... He'd been unable to recognize her when she'd shown up, and only understood actions... Only certain words had registered with him...

"That was...the first time that'd really happened after everything..." So it'd been...more severe? Though, he couldn't say whether or not he'd become like that if it happened again. He'd do...everything in his power to not let that happen, but...

When like that...he couldn't think rationally...

He was safe now though...he would be alright...

"I'll make sure to avoid...that from happening again, I don't want it to happen again..." He muttered, "I should have brought along more back up...even if it was only meant to be a simple mission... I'll be sure to if something comes up again..."

If he had more with him, maybe that would help ease her mind...?

He was still... There were some rooms he still couldn't step into even here due to being rather small, and without much exit, but he avoided them...so... He'd been able to deal...

"Mm... teach me... what I need to know to help you faster... I-If it happens again... If you get...like that again... I-I didn't know what to do or how to talk o-or anything... Anything I could say..." Mia was worried now, what if it happened again? Masaru might not be able to avoid it... Even if he wanted to, and her fear for him was strong... He promised to try, but that wasn't enough. She HAD to be able to help him somehow.

Nudging him with her head though, Mia gave him a soft reprimand with that and her words. "You should have... You're really strong but... but you aren't impossible to take down. Trickery and traps or even stuff like that... More people are better to watch your back!"

It'd only help on missions, she just had to worry about him all the rest of the time...

"You...did well with what you did today; just...promise me you'll get me outside. Reassure me that we're going to go outside, out of anything...that registered the best." Out of anything, his mind had registered that first; it'd helped...

He needed to be reassured... Just told he could go outside, a gentle tone... Something that didn't alert him to danger...

"Just talk...like you had been, your tone, your reassurances... You were right...to not hug or hold me back then... I would have likely panicked, but you can now..." Masaru explained, his tone gentle as he spoke; "I'll...notify you when I leave on missions...even if they're meant to be short or easy, I'll let you know..."

He...deserved that reprimanding, even if it was soft; a nod was given, he'd bring along more back up next time... He wasn't impossible to take down, and honestly what had happened today was a blinding weakness one could exploit... The rogue arrancar that'd come along hadn't known of course, and they were dead now... but...

"Okay... I'll remember." Promise him outside, calmly and softly and keep reassuring him he would be going there. Don't...don't grab him or hold him. Restraining was bad... She was glad she'd done it all right. Mia felt a bit of relief, but would definitely take this to heart.

Reassurance plus promises of outside and calmness helped him lots.

And at least he gave her that promise, Mia's body relaxing more against him. "Good... You do too much alone... I don't think you realize how not alone you are...or even were. It's not just me, your squad... Shizue and more than a few people here... Nozomi... You're surrounded by all of us, we all love you and care about you."

"I'm just one more person there for you. Please...rely on all of us too. Don't keep them out either..." Murmuring softly, she pulled her head back enough to look up as she spoke these serious words. "...And...tell me about it... All about it. I should...listen, it...might help you to...speak more... instead of bottling it all up inside... No one's that strong to keep those feelings and memories hidden."

"Mhm..." Another small nod was given before Masaru gave another kiss to the top of Mia's head, nuzzling her slightly after doing so. "You made the right choices..."

She'd reassured him... She'd promised him the outside... He had been well aware he needed the rest afterwards, it was circumstances like these where...he would definitely not fight the idea of resting, and welcome it it...

How not alone he was... He... He was worried about burdening others at times, and with Nozomi...he just felt her too young to have to worry about him like that... She was smart, and always looking out for him, enjoyed spending time with him...but he was worried about putting too much on her...

Shizue... Shizue was similar to him but it'd been her late husband, he knew...neither really talked about their pasts all too much, but back then it'd been more of a comfort by presence. The other servants also cared...he knew, it was just...

It was difficult to...talk about these things...

Mia was...asking him to tell her, and to not bottle it up... He'd only shared...outlines of things with her really...and she'd seen some of the minor damage when the bubbles had happened...

"Some...rooms... Some I still can't go into, like my old room... I should, there's still...medical kits stored under the floorboards I should move to storage for later use but..." He shook his head; "I can't go in there...and I can't ask anyone else to..."

Mia smiled softly as she got nuzzles and a kiss, loving both affectionate gestures from Masaru. He knew what to do to comfort her in return it felt like... it was nice having someone who knew you that well really...

She waited patiently for her words to either settle in his mind or for him to think them over, not sure how much he would tell her or accept of them. Hearing his words though caused her smile to disappear, eyes staring up just in worry once more. She didn't say anything for a moment...wondering what that sort of trauma must be like. Being scared of Rukon was one thing, Mia knew, but this... was something much worse...

"I'll...go... just tell me what you want done, I'll do it for you... What other rooms...what...what happened..." She knew, vaguely, vague wasn't enough anymore though. Not after what she'd seen in that buried room... Not seeing Masaru freaking like that...

"Doesn't...living in this room bother you? Or...is it not..." If this was his father's old room, how did he stand living here?

"Y-You don't...need to do that..." It was... That... She didn't need to worry about... He knew any excuse he could come up with like that would be...useless, she wanted to help him, wanted to comfort him...be there for him...

He mostly couldn't stand walking into the smaller storage rooms, if the room was big...there wasn't a problem, there was space for him and he could see and move about freely, but smaller rooms...

There wasn't much use in just...thinking that though, she wanted an answer...

"Smaller rooms mostly, like the smaller storage rooms..." He repeated his previous thoughts, glancing away for a bit as he did so. "The...room I was in..." It'd been...pretty much an emptied one of those...maybe a little bigger...but...

This room...

"I... I changed a lot about this room after I moved in... The bed...the stand for Ikari I placed here... A lot of it's different and changed... So that helps..."

"If you want to yourself... I'll go with you." Mia couldn't take this from Masaru, it was his choice and his trauma. She wasn't taking it away, but she'd be the arms and legs he needed if that was what he wanted. "I just want to help. Its not a burden and its not a bother or trouble... Its something I want to do."

If he felt that was what he wanted done but was sacred to, she could do it for him. As he spoke though and glanced away, Mia's stomach tightened and she felt a bit sick. The implication was there, the room he was in was small as hell. Storage room sized... at best... How had he slept?!

"How...did you live...?" She asked, trying not to gulp as Masaru looked away. Her hand slid up his body to his cheek, not turning his face back to her but keeping it settled there comfortingly.

So he'd changed this room a lot... the bed especially... That helped him... She did give a weak giggle though. Now it must be insanely different, with all her cluttered messes... "I guess I really...ruined that old image then huh? With...all my junk now..."

Least she had been able to keep the really adult games hidden away in the closet for now, despite all the rest set up...

"I... I don't think I can...really go into that room..." He didn't want to... He'd kept it shut ever since he'd moved out of it. The servants likely kept it clean, but he had never stepped foot into it again.

Mia wanted to help...and to her it wasn't a burden...or troublesome... She wanted to...

How had he...

"I...had a couple of blankets, and a pillow... I was able to make a thin futon..." His clothes were folded up in a chest that had sat against one of the walls...so there was that... He had typically set Ikari up against the wall...

Other than that, there wasn't really anything else in the room, the loose floorboards provided some private storage for him, as he'd stated earlier...

There weren't as many servants working in the mansion back then...not as many as now and the room was rather deep within the mansion so it hadn't been hard to...keep under wraps about things...

Masaru gave a bit of a weak chuckle in response to Mia's mention of her things; "I like it like this... I think, the room's less bare now...and feels a bit more homey..."

"I'll go then..." Mia nodded softly, she'd be his stand-in and take care of it for him. Masaru didn't need to worry about that then... She'd definitely make sure it was done and nothing could bother him over it. Still it hurt more to hear that he'd only had that much...

Her arm still wrapped around him held him tighter, squeezing for a moment before loosening only a smidgen after. Pillow...blanket...thin futon... She would kill his father if he wasn't already dead. But saying such a thing would hurt Masaru and thus she just shook her head. How...did she ask more... He...he... How did she get him to talk more?

Mia didn't know and she bit her lip softly. It was...easier to ask other things...

"It does... it does feel a lot more homey... Does it help too?" She was asking about more than her stuff, mostly about her being here... But she wasn't able to word it like that, the question loaded with her feelings really as she looked away. Her...face definitely wasn't tinted red.

"..." Mia would...go then, she hadn't...seen the room, which was...one thing he was worried about... Just talking about it upset her, he... didn't like making her upset or seeing her sad, but she wanted to know these things...

It was important...for them to talk, and share things, even the bad...it was just hard gathering the nerve to do so...

Feeling her hold on him tighten he planted another kiss on her head, with another following shortly after.

Did it help?

"I feel it does... It's really nice like this... It's more lively, in a really good way..." He was happy like this, with Mia here, and their room like this...

"Do...you not want me to?" Mia's soft voice quickly turned worried as she wondered at his silence. Maybe she was being too pushy and forceful for him... It wouldn't be good in this case to force her wants or wishes down his throat. I-It was his...

He kissed her head twice, causing a soft whine to come up as Mia raised her head up. Kisses on lips were way better! She wanted those! Her eyes closed, she moved up to plant a soft on on his lips before she replied to his words.

"I'm glad... I'll keep making your home more of a home then..." She'd definitely make it so much more a home for him! Nice and comforting and relaxing... It wasn't like Mia was planning on leaving ever and...even if it was lively for him, he'd said it was in a good way... So... she was doing things right!

"I-It's not...that, I...don't like seeing you upset...but all of this...is something you want to know, and...it's important for us to...talk about these things... I just worry it's..." He attempted to put his previous thoughts to words again, though fumbled some this time.

This was just a step they had to take little by little...

As she moved to kiss him, he responded to tit before she pulled away to speak, and he smiled at that; "Mhm, I'd like that..." That would be nice, a home that was more of a home... though... "Our home..."

"Of course I'll get upset... I know you don't like seeing me upset...but...but its all things that happened to you. O-Of course... I'll be unhappy and hate it..." Mia's voice cracked softly, but she shook her head, denying that he could keep her from being upset at all or protect her... They had to share these things... these things that hurt them so dearly...

"I-Its important...very very... S-So... I have to face it too. E-Even if it hurts a lot..." Even if she got all torn up and angry and pissed herself, she had to face these awful things that had been done to him. He just hid so much, couldn't say more and then smiled so sweetly so no one worried over him...

"I-I...wanna try making bedding... I-I dunno why I didn't before now, but I...want to make something nice for us... W-Would you want to help?" That would make it more homey! Mia's homemade bedding would be nice, maybe one of those western styled quilts or something similar? It'd be easy, he could help pick out the colors or even sewing if he wanted to try. She flushed at his addition, but nodded softly. "Mhm, our home... Make it...ours entirely..."

Masaru gave a small nod in response to Mia's words; knowing they...needed to talk about these things, that it was important for them to discuss...no matter the pain that it would surely bring...

It was hard, obviously, his own way of dealing with this showed how hard it was but...these were steps they needed make.

Bedding? He blinked at that, but as she explained further his smile returned. "I would, I think something like that would be nice for us...and I'd be glad to help."

Their home entirely...

Mia smiled in return as Masaru's smile came back at her offer, accepting it with pleasure it seemed. That... was what she had wanted... With a soft laugh, she leaned up again to kiss him, her hands sliding up to bury themselves in his hair. It was nice and comforting, they'd...make bedding... He'd definitely help... Ahh... She could teach him some things!

Sharing...they'd shared... No, he'd shared... Maybe...maybe she should with him, some of those things she didn't like to talk about...

It would upset him, but he'd...he deserved to know. He did too. That was his right...

Masaru responded to the kiss as Mia leaned up again, feeling her hands move into his hair; talking about making things to make their home feel more like a home, it was something happy to focus on, something nice for the both of them...

He was glad she'd thought of it; hopefully he'd be of enough help when it came down to assisting her in making it.

Mia pulled her mouth away after a few moments, looking to the side as she decided to speak up a bit. Maybe her sharing would help him be able to share more easily? She bit her lip and her hands clenched his hair just a bit, not hard but definitely not unnoticeable really.

"A-Ah... I may...have not really... I... my...mom." Mia started softly, not really sure how to speak about it. "...Sh-She...was...not... She was...bad... a bad mom..."

It...was hard to admit it outloud, she didn't like speaking badly of her. It... was just that the woman was awful at being a mom, not that she was a bad person... She sort of... was a bad person in some ways but she didn't mean it! It was just... "She...didn't mean to... be that way... but she's not... not cut out for...making decisions..."

Mia sighed softly... "I think...she was... a princess or noblewoman back on earth before she died because of that..."

"...she cared more about...appearances...her lovers...than me..." That... was the hardest part to admit. The next part even worse... "And money..."

Hm?

Masaru looked to Mia as she pulled back, the clenching of his hair notifying him as she attempted to gather her words. She had something she wanted to say...and he was silent, letting her work through it.

Her mother... She... Bad at being a mother...

He listened, continuing to hold Mia to him as she explained how her mother was. The woman wasn't cut out for parenthood, unable to make the decisions necessary when there was a child involved...

It was...sad to hear, especially with Mia's last words. Cared about those things...over her own daugher..." That was...despicable behavior to him from an outsiders point... It was wrong...

Masaru leaned in, pressing his forehead to hers as he held her a bit closer. Having to grow up with that...

"I..." He began, "that type of behavior..."

Obviously...he didn't like it...

"She was all I had though..." Mia murmured, sensing... no, knowing that Masaru was upset with her words. She'd...tried to make it nicer before, but well... having Kaimu around now and learning more...the less like a good person her mother seemed. She couldn't help that love though, she loved her mother... it was just... hard to admit these flaws to others so bluntly. To just face she'd...no matter what she did for the woman, she'd never be first or loved as much back.

Masaru's forehead pressed against hers and he held her closer, getting a soft smile for a moment from her. She didn't...need to do that though now. Mia wasn't alone really... "S-Selfish...she...was more happy...when I became a shinigami and...could get me to send her money... When I wasn't... a drain on her money...and resources... she lost...her little...doll to dress up and show off but... My powers were... hard..."

She'd been afraid if she tried to connect with others, the five year old abandoned by her only parent, they'd only leave too. That...trauma had held long enough for it to become strict habit...and then fear... And then over a century later she'd barely been able to speak to others due to that...

Selfish... it was a perfect term from what he could decipher from what Mia had told him once she'd uttered that word. She'd put...all of those things above her own daughter...

Mia...still loved her though, and he couldn't say a thing about that... Even after all that'd happened to him...he still loved his father, had wanted to help him... He had been beyond help, but...he'd refused to see that at the time...

He continued to hold her close to him, and occasionally he offered small nuzzles as she spoke.

"I can't...accept that type of behavior, no matter the excuse, but... you still love her, and I understand that..." Masaru muttered, "You...had to go through a lot...now...you at least have all of us... You father, Nozomi, your Captain,... and me as well, it's...nothing can't...truly substitute...but...

You told me earlier that I wasn't alone...you're not alone either... I'm...likely not...saying the right things, but..." He wasn't sure he was the best at giving...talks like this, but he could at least comfort...

He could comfort...if he failed in words he could attempt to make up with his actions... Mia had...had to go through a lot of pain, and it hurt to think of that...

Of course Masaru understood... Of course he would have... He had still loved his father and that man had been so much worse... Mia had been lucky really...

The nuzzles really helped her and as he continued, Mia relaxed very obviously against him more. Smiles, a smile appeared as he finished... Not help or not the right thing? She snuggled up under his chin, shaking her head and feeling a bit better for getting it off her chest. "Mm...no... Helps..."

She had all of them, she did... That reminder was always a good one. Mia didn't have to ever be alone again, she'd have him and everyone else... Her father and him and Nozomi especially... Family... "You're...right... I'm not alone anymore... It's...not what you went through... Y-You had...so much worse..."

"But...you still wanna protect me..." That got a soft smile again, not that he could see from how she'd snuggled up really. It...hurt still to speak about it, it... was painful and she wasn't ready to bring up specific things... but at least now Masaru knew...

"I-I couldn't before...explain..."